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The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
Truman Capote

"Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat."    Joanne Woodward

Oh Lord give me chastity, but do not give it yet.  
St Augustine

"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue." 
       Voltaire, 1694-1778

"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses."    
Mrs. Patrick Campbell


The Caption Cavern

"It's alright love. We'll get new batteries tomorrow."

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"I can resist everything except temptation."
  Oscar Wilde

"Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather read a book. "
--Madonna (1958-) US singer, actress in Q Magazine (London), Jun 1991

"Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, 
but that's not why we do it."      
RP. Feynman

"Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? 
If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!"       
George Bernard Shaw

"Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed."
            -  William Shakespeare

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, 
but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
  - Robin Williams

"The sexual organ therefore has a double role: the inferior one of procreation, and the superior one of contacting the divine state by means of the ecstasy caused by pleasure."      -   Alain Daniélou

"To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent.  She can't wait to disprove it."      -  Cary Grant

"Our passions are like convulsion fits, which, though they make us stronger for the time, leave us the weaker ever after."        - Jonathan Swift

Quotes on Sex and Sexuality

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ P.J. O'Rourk

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner, Tin Cup

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm. ~ Author Unknown

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ~Author Unknown

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? ~ Rita Rudner

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Author Unknown

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Butch Hancock

"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter." ~ George Carlin

The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral. ~ Aristippus

I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less. ~ Brendan Francis, Playboy

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. ~ Author Unknown

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. ~ Lily Tomlin

Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about. ~ Beverly Mickins

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Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant. ~ Henry Miller

Pussy Galore: My name is Pussy Galore. James Bond: I must be dreaming. ~ Goldfinger

Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure. ~ Thomas Szasz

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing. ~ Charles Bukowski

Free Hughy? No! Free Porn ~ Unknown (60's)

If we define porn as any message from any communication medium that is intended to arouse sexual excitement, then it is clear that most advertisements are covertly pornographic. ~ Philip Slater quotes

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John

It's very difficult to fail at porn. ~ Michael Chabon quotes

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein

I love sex. It's free and doesn't require special shoes. ~ (Anonymous)

Porn is the unconsciousness of culture, the libido of humanity." ~ Unknown quotes

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. ~ (Anonymous)

Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa. ~ Dorothy Parker

Sex is God's joke on human beings. ~ Bette Davis

"In high school, I dressed up as every James Bond girl. I was a teenage Pussy Galore." ~ Winona Rider

Its avowed purpose is to excite sexual desire, which, I should have thought, is unnecessary in the case of the young, inconvenient in the case of the middle aged, and unseemly in the old. ~ Malcolm Muggeridge, on porn, Tread Softly For You Tread On My Jokes

I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading. ~ Anonymous

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. ~ Emo Phillips

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in. ~ Casey Stengel

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. ~ Gloria Leonard

Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn" ~ Dave Berry

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. ~ Chinese Proverb

Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. ~ Aldous Huxley, Eyeless in Gaza, 1936

There's only one good test of pornography. Get twelve normal men to read the book, and then ask them, ''Did you get an erection?'' If the answer is ''Yes'' from a majority of the twelve, then the book is porn. ~ W. H. Auden

Joe: Do you think that piece of jewelry the Arwen gives Aragorn is a artistic representation of elf pussy? Tim: To me pretty much everything is an artistic representation of pussy. Alright alright.....unless it's part of a dude.

Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection. ~ Author Unknown

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The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote

"There's no shortage of pussy- it's just the delivery system that's messed up." ~ Dr. Roy V. Schenk

"Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself."

The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs. ~ D.H. Lawrence

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. ~ S.J. Perelman

There is nothing like early promiscuous sex for dispelling life's bright mysterious expectations. ~ Iris Murdoch

This is paradise, I'm tellin' ya. This town like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked. ~ Tony Montana (Scarface)

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. ~ Gore Vidal

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus

No one has ever died from an overdose of porn. ~ J. Money and P. Tucker

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled. ~ Harlan Ellison

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. ~ Bob Hope "Sexual material. You must be 18 to enter. Please read this disclaimer"


On Women

A woman always has her revenge ready
~ Moliere

Every woman is wrong until she cries
~ Oscar Wilde

Women should be obscene and not heard
~ Groucho Marx

Woman was God’s second mistake
~ Nietzsche

There is no evil as terrible as a woman
~ Euripides

For most of history anonymous was a woman
~ Virginia Wolfe

On Men

Evil draws men together
~ Aristotle

Men argue, nature acts
~ Voltaire

Men hate more steadily than they love
~ Samuel Johnson

Women are cursed, and men are the proof
~ Roseanne Barr

Men should be what they seem
~ Shakespeare

Good men must not obey laws too well
~ Emerson

I'm suggesting we call sex something else, and it should include everything from kissing to sitting close together.
      - Shere Hite

"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."  - W Churchill

"The French are funny, sex is funny, and comedies are funny, yet no French sex comedies are funny."  
Matt Groening

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."  Ingrid Bergman

"Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven."      Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

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