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ADULT  HUMOR  AND  SATIRE
a constantly-growing section
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


DIFFERENT IDEAS

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world!"

The woman says, dryly, "I'll miss you."

 HEY! WAIT A MINUTE...

I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the
milkman has made love to every woman in our road except one."
And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."

 

Dildos and Roses

An amusing little ditty for those who remember the SlinkyŽ commercials.
Click Here

SECTIONAL, SCHMECTIONAL

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a
much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional," she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an
occasional piece in the living room!"
NO CABBAGE FOR YOU

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the
middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead!"

 

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

'Merlin, you are a genius!' said the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

'Sir Galahad', exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

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This and That

What is 69 + 69? Dinner for 4

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

One in 580 men can "expect" to die while having sex. C'mon! Most men HOPE to die that way! --Jay Leno

 

Estrogen walks the walk

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists--two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be
serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with
the chair."

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BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

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