UNDERSTANDING
WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how
you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
DIFFERENT IDEAS
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to
make you the
happiest woman in the world!"
The woman says, dryly, "I'll miss you."
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HEY!
WAIT A MINUTE...
I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They
reckon the
milkman has made love to every woman in our road except
one."
And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at
number 23."
Dildos and
Roses
An amusing
little ditty for those who remember the SlinkyŽ commercials.
Click
Here
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SECTIONAL,
SCHMECTIONAL
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was
greeted by a
much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular
I can show you?" he asked.
Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional," she bitterly retorted.
"All I want is an
occasional piece in the living room!" |
NO
CABBAGE FOR YOU
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing
one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's
health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig
up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right
there in the
middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend.
"What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead!" |
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King Arthur was
worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny
knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some
advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard
looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up
with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later King
Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was
showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...
except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious
place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at
this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the
Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just
observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench
until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his
most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He
then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt
whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly
in two.
'Merlin, you are a
genius!' said the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing
that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting
Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his
Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and
had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm'
inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either
amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir
Galahad.
'Sir Galahad',
exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you
among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my
power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But Sir Galahad was
speechless.
________________________________________________________
This
and That
What is 69 + 69? Dinner for 4
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man,
I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says,
"Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a
hammock."
A common mistake that people make when trying to design
something completely foolproof is to underestimate the
ingenuity of complete fools.
One in 580 men can "expect" to die while having sex.
C'mon! Most men HOPE to die that way! --Jay Leno
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| Estrogen
walks the walk
The CIA had an opening for an
assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done, there were three finalists--two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know
that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You
can't be
serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said,
"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five
minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I
tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun
is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him
to death with
the chair."
____________________
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
IS HERSELF
OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT
BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS
UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE
MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
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