Sexual Positions in History
Or – “When Push Comes To Shove” 

 

Most adult humans have had at least a fleeting look at some of the more erotic and downright raunchy hardcore of history.  Those Egyptians and Greeks and Romans could sure turn a grand cock or two on pottery we can still admire today.  Through phallus worship and lesbian soliloquies, man/man “tutoring” and power hungry nymphs, history lends itself to hormonal rushes of the artistic kind.   

However, despite history’s leavings, we still on occasion ponder, at what history felt like and our sexual past.  Women have wondered if some woman doing her husband on their sleeping platform in ancient Egypt, ever got her breast caught under his elbow as he sat up.  Hard to picture Liz Taylor’s head, snapped back as she strove to sit up.  Caesar would have chopped off her hair, rather than allow it to hinder his conquest.   

Perhaps men have wondered how the males of the ancient world felt, being able to “take” any woman they wanted.  Women were chattel, owned outright by first father, then husband.  A man’s right to her woman parts was unquestionable, whenever the fancy struck him.  

Then there was that serious party-spoiler – prima nochta - the old Celtic tradition of Normans whereby women slept with local lords when they married and could then claim that the lord had responsibilities to her first child. Alternatively, the Lord had the right to take the maiden before or on her wedding night before her husband could have her affections. A real buzz kill, to be sure. 

The “positions” themselves would be as old as human kind, although we suspect that “doggie style” might stem from the observation of rutting practices of four legged animals around them, by our most ancient Neanderthal brothers and sisters.  Dropping to her knees might well have been “Wilma’s” first reaction to “Fred’s” grunts.  

This Paleolithic theory, along with the Canadian mandated practice of “doggy style” enabling husbands to roger their wives while watching the hockey game, has left the practice of that position pretty much open for any macho push-push-in-the-bush.  Women love this position because it “drives the point home” so to speak, while allowing her a hands-free status to better jot her grocery list. 

The “missionary position” is an entirely understandable position for the most prim and proper of people, missionaries.  Yes indeed, the most Christian of Christians, spreading God’s word, while shagging face to face? Unlikely.  So let’s examine the concept of this position to better understand its place in history.   

In essence, it would be more logical to call it the “peasant position”.  A face to face act of love seems to be an expression of emotion more than a rutting activity.  Leaving us open to kissing, copping feels and rubbing skin to skin, this position is more suitable to couples in the throws of lustful passionate love, than the oft-arranged marriages of old.  For most rich and upper crust people, marriages were arranged, thus leaving the idea of “romantic sex” as a fantasy for the peasant class.   

The oral position “69” is a discussion all on its own.  Aside from providing unsurpassed waves of sexual pleasure, this numerological miracle allows both partners to be whatever sex is agreeable between them. There is no confusion as to what goes in which hole or rides which rod.  No confusion at all.  Position the bodies, open the mouths and go to town.  It’s the simplest stimulation for even the simplest mind.  The sixty-nine position resembles in its functionary position, that of the Arabic numeral 69.  This leaves both mouths and hands free to play, making this one of the most popular positions in any age.  It brings orgasms of delight without straining the brain. 

Speaking of “historic applications”, chastity belts inhibited sex, without question.  Nothing like a rusty padlock to deflate a cocksure lover.  It’s a mood kill, no argument. In days of yore, chastity belts were used by husbands to ensure the “chastity” of their wives.  This of course was more of a “fidelity” issue, the “chastity” left for daughters.  Wives were placed in these ancient iron underwear and expected to behave like a good wife, regardless of chaffing, rashes and just plain metallic stink.  Imagine the smell of one’s nethers in the summer time, locked in an iron knickers.  Women had ample reason for bitter behavior.   

Perhaps the most fun of positions would be the “cowgirl” in which the woman straddles the man who’s lying on his back, and impales herself on his “rod of power”.  She’s free to whoop and round out with a lasso, as well as being able to leave her sexy cowgirl hat on.  Bouncing like a cheerleader with new implants, the woman can buck and…well...buck her way to a rousing orgasm, whilst her partner languishes in man-heaven, manhood firmly enfolded by the gods gift to his gender. 

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